Have you ever had a period in your life where you feel like you can barely make it through another week with things the way they are? A time where you keep moving forward one day after the next but you know that you are only going through the motions and life seems to be passing you by? You do the bare minimum to keep yourself moving but you are so tired and so exhausted from life that it is nearly impossible to put forth much effort into your health and well-being? Well, this has been my life since June. And I am realizing more and more each day that I can’t keep living like this.
I took a new job last October, thinking it would be the answer to all my prayers. It had a decent schedule and great benefits that would allow me and my kids to be more self-sufficient. As a single mom, I felt like this would give us more stability and I would not need to count on anyone else for anything. I loved my old job, my old boss was awesome but I really was tired of paying through the nose for insurance I had found on the marketplace that had a high deductible and was costly each month. Although the schedule he gave me was good, I felt unsettled and this job just came up in my email one day so I applied not really thinking much about it. Well, I went for the interview and then received an offer and it was crazy awesome.
I made the change and was excited. This hospital seemed like it would be a great place to work and I had always dreamed of working as a pediatric endocrinology nurse practitioner. It seemed like everything was falling into place. Sadly once I met the doctor I would be working with, it all changed quickly. She was a new graduate, who just finished her fellowship and she was very rigid in the way she wanted things done. She for some reason did not like me. I tried to learn her ways and to do what she wanted but nothing I did was good enough. After 2 months of torture, I finally spoke up and said I could not work like that. My blood sugars were high from the stress, I was having basically daily panic attacks and could not eat or sleep. Once I spoke up, the administrators quickly stepped in and removed me from her clinic.
I was given a few weeks off and was offered a job rotating through the other clinics in Orlando. I was thankful that I still had a job. And looked forward to working with the main group of doctors, but knew Orlando is a far drive from Tampa. To help with the drive I was told I would only have to work 4 days a week. I started looking at possibly moving to the Orlando area and even looked at houses, but then COVID-19 hit and things quickly changed.
I was able to work from home, which was perfect because my kids were now home and doing virtual school until the end of the year. Life was amazing. I was able to exercise every day, we biked 6 miles a night and played basketball at lunch each day. We were able to eat all of our meals together and I got a lot of things done around the house. We purged and donated so much stuff. I was also able to get small home improvement projects completed. I absolutely loved being at home. I loved having time with my kids and still being able to work. Not having to spend time in the car driving was such an amazing change. I never realized how much time I wasted driving to and from the office. I mean it was 1-2 hours a day. But of course, virtual medicine was not going to be a permanent change, and eventually, I had to go back to working in Orlando.
As quickly as things changed forcing me to work from home they went back to normal just as quickly. The hospital was losing money by doing things virtually and a lot of visits had been canceled and needed to be rescheduled. Well, fast forward 4 months down the road and here I am today. Driving back and forth to Orlando and hating it. The traffic is now back to normal and I no longer have a 4 day work week. It has honestly become unbearable. I am waking up at 5 am in order to drive 2 hours to be at work by 8. I don’t get home till 6-7 pm or later each night. I am so tired by Wednesday night that I dread the last 2 days of the week. I am getting no exercise. I am forgetting blouses and I am beyond stressed. I hate driving in general and driving 4 hours a day in addition to working a full day sucks. I feel like I have no energy to focus on my diabetes or my kids. I feel like a terrible mom, I come home and don’t want to do anything. This is not the life I want. I really and truly need a change now!! My diabetes is suffering and I am used to being able to have the time to take care of myself.
I know that I need to pay attention to my sugars and that I need to stay on top of my diabetes. I need to stop stress eating and gorging myself on sweets when I feel super stressed. I know that I should be thankful that I have a job and I have insurance, but I want to run away from my life. I want to sell everything I own and buy land in the mountains to build a house and live off the land and be with my kids. I want a job that allows me to stay home and still pay the bills, but I also want fewer bills to have to pay. I want to have time to keep my diabetes at the best level it can be. I want to be healthy and happy. Stress makes sugars high. Lack of exercise makes sugars high. Eating bad sugary foods makes sugars high. I don’t want to be high, I hate how I feel when I am running high. I am already irritable because of the stress and adding into the mix high sugars, I don’t even like being around myself.
So, how can any of us keep our diabetes under control when life often gets in the way? I hear from patients all of the time that they can’t do this and can’t do that. And because of work or family or something else, their sugars are running higher. I wonder if there is a way we can remember to put our health first? Isn’t there a way to make sure we are taking care of ourselves so we can be the best version of ourselves possible? Honestly don’t you feel more productive and more helpful when you feel good? I know I do. So how do we prioritize ourselves when life is pushing us down? Is it possible to stand up for our selves and tell those around us at home and at work, that we need to be able to take care of us? I think it should be, so what do you all think?