I recently started reading this book by Brene Brown called “The Gifts of Imperfection” and it is changing my life. She states that we all need to “let go of who we think we are supposed to be and embrace who we truly are”. I love that thought. We all have these voices constantly telling us who we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do and say and think. The world today can be smothering if you let it be. We have so much pressure in our society to be and do the most we can in all areas. It seems like no matter how much I do, I always feel like I am falling short. I feel like I can always do more or should be doing more. With my kids or at work. It seems like there is never enough of me to go around. Trying to find that work-life balance has been extremely challenging for me.
I have noticed in the years since I was little, that there has been a very noticeable shift in family/ home and work life. Not that I am super old, but when I was little my mom stayed home with us. My dad worked 2 jobs and my mom did jobs from home to help make ends meet. We were by no means wealthy, but we always had what we needed, and sometimes what we wanted. My mom cooked almost every night and we ate together as a family. We also were able to walk home from school for lunch a lot of the time. It was a nice life. I never truly felt like my mom was stressed and short-tempered like I often am. My dad, on the other hand, did tend to be a bit more short-tempered and he did not adjust well to change. We all worked together and we all had chores and life was to me, simple. I was active and played sports. I had early morning Seminary for my church and had practice for 3 hours a night after school for hockey than basketball then track (depending on the time of year). I went home and did homework and was in bed by 10 so I could be up at 5 am. I can’t remember feeling super stressed or anything, even though my schedule seemed packed. And of course, as a teen, my blood sugars were not always stellar. I was a typical teenager who at times did not check my sugar and ate what I wanted.
Fast forward to now. I am a single mother of 2 kids (11 and 14). I work full time (at the moment about 2 hours from home) and then come home and make dinner and make sure the kids have done their homework and have done their chores. I have dishes and laundry and of course, there are events and different things that they are involved in. At this time I am super stressed. Spending 4 hours a day in the car, getting up at 5 am and then working till 4 and driving home, often not getting home till 6-7 pm. By the time we make and eat dinner and then clean up, I am exhausted. We try to do something together as a family, either watching a show or playing a game. Then kids head to the showers while I throw in some laundry or pick out my clothes for the next day or work on packing lunches. We read our scripture together as a family and say a prayer and we are usually in bed between 9-10 pm. I am almost always up until 10, if not 10:30 doing other things (paying bills or reading or cleaning). I feel like by the time I get home I am so drained that I can’t be the mom I want to be. I have no desire to exercise. I often want to just be left alone, but I know my kids need me, they need my attention.
Life is exhausting and I often feel like I am not here enough for my kids. I resent my job because, although I know it is necessary to pay the bills for our home, it keeps me away from my kids. I am often tired and grumpy when I get home and this book is helping me to understand what my priorities are. I am learning that it is ok for me to have floors that are only swept and mopped once a week. And bathrooms that get cleaned on the weekends. I often have litter flung about in my bathroom from the kitties litter box, but it is what it is. My counters are often cluttered during the week. My kids may not agree, but I have learned that they can help out. I am imperfect. There are days when I am grumpy and my sugars are high and I want to be left alone. Some days I want to run away to a cabin in the woods and never see another human being again. But, I am ok just as I am. I am on a journey, and I will trip and fall many times. I will get back up each time I fall and try again. I keep on working at trying to be a great person and some days I feel like I am, while other days I feel like a total failure. I am learning, however, that I will only truly fail when I give up and stop trying. One day at a time.
My diabetes is definitely imperfect. This weekend has been a bad weekend. I was high all day yesterday. It seemed like no matter how much I kept trying to correct my sugar, I could not get it down to normal. Even when I woke up this morning I was high. I changed my site to see if that would help and it did. It eventually came down, like it always does (usually not in the amount of time I would like it to).Then I went high again after breakfast this morning. It came down and then by mid-afternoon I crashed and was down in the 40’s. I, of course, overcorrected the low, I was starving and it was around lunch, but it wouldn't let me bolus for lunch until the number came up, and then I forgot until I was already 170 and climbing. Shortly after bolusing I hit 200 again. I really hate yo-yo sugars. It makes me mad at myself because I know better. I know how to keep my sugars fairly well controlled and days like this make me feel like a diabetes failure. I know in my head I am not a failure, but days like these make me feel incompetent. I mean I am a trained professional, I should be able to keep myself from yo-yoing!
After reading this book, I am starting to realize that first and foremost I need to love Myself and be ok with the fact that at times I am not perfect. Even as an educated, diabetes professional, I am still not perfect. There are days when I do everything right and yet my sugars are crazy. Other days I don’t focus much on my diabetes, but my numbers are good. Just like in all areas of my life, my diabetes is not and never will be perfectly in sync. We all need to learn that it is ok to make mistakes. It is ok to have sugars that at times are crazy. It is ok to not be a perfect mom. It is ok to have a bad day to feel frustrated and to be worried that I am not enough. When these days happen the most important thing for me to know and to do is to stop and take a deep breath, love myself, and remember that I am doing my best each day. It is important to know that my best is always enough, even if it’s not perfect. I am trying, I am learning as I go and I am improving, some days more than others. I can do this and so can you.