One of my favorite Bible stories is when Jesus walks across the water, toward the boat holding Peter, and as he approaches, he says “Be of good cheer; it is I, be not afraid”. I love that phrase, be not afraid. It is perfect for so many situations we find ourselves in. Fear sucks, fear is not fun for anyone, and so whenever I am afraid, I think of this quote “be not afraid”.
As a grown woman, and a mother, it often shames me to know I am afraid to be alone. I know that probably sounds weird right? I mean what 40 year old woman is afraid to be alone? Well, a few years ago, I went through a pretty traumatic divorce. I honestly never saw it coming and I was devastated. Over the last 3 years, life has been an adjustment. I have had to take over everything for me and the kids. I get to be both mom and dad. I get to support all of us financially, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I get to cook and clean and shop and pay bills and fix holes in the wall and clogged drains and broken bikes. I get to practice volleyball and basketball with the kids and make sure we are all exercising and eating well. Then there is my work and homework and I have a never ending supply of charts to do. And I have to be sure we are all receiving the love we all need. Anyway, it has been a huge change and a so many adjustments have been made.
One of the biggest adjustments for me personally, has been the time alone. Those days when the kids go to their dads house and I am here alone. It used to scare me to death. I realized over the last few years, how scary it is to be alone when you have type 1 diabetes. All of those fears run through my head. What if I go low and nobody is here? How long will it take people to realize I am missing? Will anyone check on me? Will I die before I am found? I used to see crazy scenes running through my head of my kids coming back to the house to find me unconscious and close to death. This has also greatly inhibited my travel plans. I more or less refused to go anywhere that I don’t know someone. I wanted to go to the ADA conference in San Diego a few years ago, but I was terrified to go alone. What if I passed out in the hotel room and they did not find me til check out time?
So, how did I cope with and overcome this fear? How do I keep these worst case scenarios from running my life? How do I stay sane when I am here alone? How can I be safe? Well, I have had to go out of my comfort zone and ask my neighbors to keep an eye on me. I have told friends to check in with me as well. To make sure someone gets a response. I have a dad who lives fairly close, and is here a lot during the week so I make sure he knows to check as well. And I have the amazing share ap from DEXCOM that truly has given me a ton of comfort. My 9 year old has it on his ipad. He gets alerted if I am low (strangely the 13 year old who is on her phone constantly, could care less, LOL). But, I love that periodically my 9 year old messages me saying “mommy are you ok, i see you are low”. Just knowing someone is watching out for me. When they are home, they have both been taught to read my sugar, and what to do if they find me unresponsive (which has not happened and I hope never does). They know how to use the glucagon kit and who to call. They know which neighbors they can run to for help.
When i went to San Diego, I had my friend who is a primary care doctor put it on is phone for the week. I would get random messages in the middle of the day saying “EAT now!!”. At first I was like why are you telling me to eat, then I realized, I was dropping. I know it sounds silly, but just knowing someone is watching over me has kept me sane. Taking the time to find friends to join me on bike rides, swimming laps in the pool, on road trips, and or making sure someone knows I am alone and asking them to please keep an eye on me once in a while has really helped me.
So now, instead of keeping myself from enjoying my life due to fear, I just make sure I have someone watching over me when I need it. I used to think it was a sign of weakness to need help but now I know, it is not weak, it is brave to reach our and ask for help. People are usually happy to help, you will be surprised. So I ask you all to do the same. Set up a safety plan for yourself and or your child. Make sure you are never truly alone with your diabetes. Be safe, be smart and live your life!! It opens up a whole new world and such a sense of freedom to “be not afraid”!