The Process of Transformation
Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a holding pattern in your life? Where you know where you want to go, but you are just not sure exactly how to get there? You can’t decide if you should fly or drive or take a train. You aren’t sure when to leave to avoid traffic or what time of year to make your journey? It is often so hard to pick and choose where to go. We are often taught if we have faith that as we begin to make choices we will be guided. God won’t make decisions for us, we are told we must study it out in our mind and decide and then ask if it is right. We are told we will know as the choices are made if they are going to move us in the right direction. Having faith is hard. We don’t ever really know where our journey will take us. We just know as we go, if we follow our hearts, we will end up at some point, where we are meant to go. I know eventually, things will make sense. I will look back one day and be like “ooohhhh, now I get it”.
As a self-proclaimed control freak, though, this is the hardest part for me. Trusting in an unseen force to guide me along my path. Sometimes being in the middle of an unclear journey is tough. Especially when you feel like you're making that journey on your own. Lately, the whole world seems this way. To me, the world seems to focus on the negative, and COVID has definitely made us feel alone and isolated. I wish it was easier to see the good I have in my life, there is plenty of it if I remember to take the time to look. I wish it was more natural to focus on the good instead of focusing on the bad. I wish it was easier to see all that I have rather than what I don’t have, but wish I did. I think it is human nature that makes us feel insecure and insignificant. I have been trying to retrain my mind. To see the good and to ignore the bad feelings, that are 99% of the time simply feelings, that have no actual basis to them. Caring what other people think of me, or how they see me. This will never make me a better person. Worrying about how having diabetes makes me different than most people. When I stop and think about it, these thoughts always come down to the material, unimportant things. Instead, I know I need to focus on being a better person, loving those around me near and far, and being kinder to everyone. Trying to not judge those around me, those who do things differently than I do. Realizing they are no more right than I am, we are each on our own individual journey, with our own individual paths to take. My diabetes journey is exactly that my journey, no yours, not his or hers, it is mine. I need to find a way, like we all do, to fit my diabetes into my life. So I can be the best version of me that I can be.
Transformation is an amazing process, especially when you can see the physical changes that are being made. It tends to be a little bit harder when you can’t see those changes. Take my latest DIY project. I needed a file cabinet, so I decided to look for one. Found one I love that was super cute and “my style” online. The only problem was, it was $300. Now being in a state of unemployment at the moment, I knew rationally spending $300 on a file cabinet was stupid and unnecessary. I had it in my cart but could not bring myself to pay for it. Then I mentioned it to my father. He told me he had extra file cabinets in the garage, and told me he would bring me over the one that had been my Nan’s. He brought it over a few days later, and it was hideous. An ugly brown metal monster with dents and some rust. I turned to Pinterest to see if I could do anything with this ugly eyesore and I found a few ideas. I set to work on spray painting it. My first plan was unsuccessful as the spray paint dripped and looked terrible. So I switched gears and bought a different type of paint. It started to shape up and over the process of trial and error and a week’s time, I created a beautiful new file cabinet. I actually love it. Watching it come together step by step was amazing. I wished at times it would come along faster and just be done but I enjoyed following the steps and in the end, the final product was beautiful. I added my own flair and style to the cabinet to make it different from the examples I had seen on Pinterest. It took work and it took some trial and error and a variety of ideas to come down to the final product. It still has some dents and dings but it is pretty to look at and functional. I have to say I love it. It looks like me, imperfect but beautiful in its own way.
I started thinking how I wish our personal transformations were this easy to see. That we could step back, while in the middle of our journeys and look at what we are creating. That we could see our personages, our spirits growing and changing and turning into something beautiful. Unfortunately, we can’t see it from outside, but I believe we can feel it in our hearts and in our minds. I can see my career as a nurse practitioner turning into something more amazing, something where I can feel like I am making a difference in other people's lives. When it comes to taking care of diabetes, it is a personal journey, but it is not one we need to do alone. I would love to help each one of you find a way, through trial and error, to make your diabetes fit into your life. To help you find peace with it, rather than constantly fighting against it. It is not something I think any of us would have chosen to take on if we were given that choice, but we weren’t. We all do have to take it on and live with it each and every day, and I know that we can all find peace and happiness as we do. I would love to hear how each one of you is dealing with your diabetes and how you think you are doing. What areas have you been struggling with? Where have you had success?